Becoming a public figure
HAVING begun my ministry as a mother of young children, and, therefore, a somewhat obscure member of the local population, known more for being “the mother of X” than a person in my own right, I segued imperceptibly into becoming “a woman of a certain age”, and thus attained complete invisibility. If I am wearing a clerical collar, however, I stand out: instantly identifiable, subject to all sorts of assumptions about my lifestyle and character.
I was once handed the keys to a BMW in a hospital car park, and asked to sort out parking by a woman who had followed the ambulance containing her husband after his heart attack. Equally, I was once spat at, and have been sworn at several times. I have also been asked to pose for photos by foreign tourists, and my shopping basket openly examined and commented on. A vicar, it seems, is still public property.
However lovely you are, however kind and caring, some people will not like you. Some will absolutely hate you. This may not be your fault — you may simply be the living embodiment of an institution that they loathe. Discerning the difference between something you have done, and can repair, and something totally beyond your agency, ranges from the challenging to the totally impossible.
Learn by heart a couple of good Graces, a general intercessory prayer, and some non-threatening blessings. Be prepared to offer them at the drop of a hat at any public event, however bizarre this might seem. Never refuse to bless a pet or a tractor.
Administration
IF YOU are assuming any sort of leadership position, unless you are incredibly lucky, a lot of your time will be spent on administration.
Try to gain at least a basic understanding of church finances. You need to be able to read a spreadsheet (ideally, use one as well), see whether or not a budget is realistic, and help a church committee lower its expectations as to how much money it will raise during the forthcoming year.
All varieties of paperwork will cross your desk: rotas to be created or integrated, faculty applications, diocesan returns, wedding and funeral forms, expense claims, and other sundry items. Love it or hate it, it is part of the job, and establishing a system for corralling it into as small a space of time as possible is essential, if it is not to overwhelm you completely.
Churchyards
CHURCHYARDS are really, really tricky. Get to know your churchyard regulations, and be able to recite by heart the dimensions of the ideal headstone — but bear in mind that every single previous incumbent will have broken at least one of the rules and permitted stuff that shouldn’t be there. This will set a precedent that it might well be impossible to return from.
Think twice or maybe three times before removing anything from a grave, and never forget that, although plastic windmills and faded Christmas decorations might not be the way you mourn your dead, that doesn’t mean that they are not a valid expression of someone’s genuine grief.
Flowers
FLOWERS are problematic, whether real or fake, in churchyards or buildings, at weddings or funerals, present or absent during Lent and Advent. Handle with care.
Committees
BEFORE you begin a meeting, set a time when you will end it. When you reach that time, stop the meeting or you run the risk of still sitting there the following morning.
Don’t linger after the end of a meeting: they are waiting for you to go so they can discuss what happened without you.
Never invite committee decisions on colour schemes unless you really don’t care what the outcome will be. You will be surprised how much you do care when a colour is chosen that you totally hate.
As when dealing with very young children, once a situation begins to escalate, do not engage in a battle that you are not prepared to see through to completion, however great the cost.
At the end of the day, the stipendiary clergy carry the can. Accept this.
Ex officio
MANY posts carry with them at least one ex officio post, whether this is as school governor, or chair of a small local trust endowed to distribute buckets of coal and loaves of bread to the deserving poor of the parish. Your function might be easily identifiable, or apparently irrelevant, but try not to see it as solely decorative. At the very least, your presence should spark the corporate conscience.
Job description
LIKE the “parish profile”, any “job description” must be looked on as a work of fiction. Within the space of a day you may be required to sort out a dispute between the organist and the churchwarden over choice of hymns, anoint a dying person, set out the equipment for a toddler group, rebury a bone found in the churchyard by someone’s dog, lead a school assembly, and write something lyrical for a faculty application.
Every day is different, and each one brings its challenges. Fortunately for us, however, these are usually outweighed by the joys.
The Revd Dr Sally Welch is Vicar of the Kington Group in the diocese of Hereford.