WANTING to describe the most memorable wedding I have ever taken has proved impossible. More than any other church service, weddings seem to attract incident — whether because emotions run so high or the legal aspects are so critical, the often horrifying cost of the whole show which adds so much pressure, or the challenge of so many people all co-ordinating their efforts for one time and place.
I offer the following thoughts, therefore, in a spirit of humility, aware that my wisdom merely touches the surface of these complex occasions.
Legalities
HERE is not the place to deal with the legalities of marriage. Suffice to say that it is really important to get them right; so make sure you have done all the identity checks, confirmed the residence requirements, and seen the decrees absolute. Buy a good pen, some registrar’s ink (you can’t go wrong with registrarsink.co.uk), and something lovely to put the wedding document in for the service itself.
Make sure the couple check the wedding document at the rehearsal so that you have time to correct any errors and the parents have time to get over their disappointment at its mundane appearance. If you have any doubt at all, ring your local register office — I have always found them to be tremendously helpful.
Wedding preparation
GONE for the most part are the days when time was spent discussing future financial arrangements, expectations regarding sharing the same accommodation, and whether the couple are planning for children. Without exception, all the couples I have married in the past ten years have already been living together for a considerable amount of time, and many already have at least one child.
Discussions over the permanent nature of marriage and its possible effect on a relationship can, for the most part, be held informally during the conversations about the ceremony itself. These, by contrast, have tended to be longer than previously, as the lack of familiarity with “church” necessitates some explanations.
Couples might experience disappointment that they are not allowed to make up their own vows, there may need to be some negotiation over the choice of hymns, and some surprise that a Bible reading must be included. An order of service is to be encouraged, even if it is little more than a print-out of the hymns and the words of the Lord’s Prayer. Hymn books might be challenging in their unfamiliarity, and many members of younger generations know no prayers by heart.
The rehearsal
THIS is a vital part of the preparations, as it enables the minister to make sure that everything is in the right place. It should take place as near in time as possible to the wedding, so that all the information is not forgotten and before the vergers can rearrange the chairs if they think you have got it all wrong.
Fortunately, the arrival from the United States of the tradition of the rehearsal dinner means that very often the rehearsal is the day before the wedding, once the wedding party have all gathered. The downside of this, of course, is the risk of enormous hangovers the next day: better to suggest the day before the day before the wedding.
I always run through the entire service. This enables you to deal with any surprise late entries that the couple may have thought up. I begin in the church porch by working out where in the procession the bride will actually be. In earlier years, the bride always preceded the bridesmaids. This is no longer the case, as the US custom in which the bridesmaids enter, one by one, slowly, in advance of the bride, has taken hold, even in the Welsh Borderlands. The bride’s father must be reminded that it is not a race, while the bride needs to remember that she will be doing this walk only once in her life (with luck); so she should enjoy it.
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We discuss where everyone will sit and stand, and who will present the rings. Now is usually the time when it is sprung upon me that the rings will be delivered by a four-year-old/a dog/an owl. Each of these has its own challenges, and it is worth making a mental note to have two spare rings about one’s person in case of disaster.
The dress is mentioned only obliquely, as it is thought to be bad luck to discuss it in front of the groom. None the less, the presence (or not) of a train should be established as this will dictate how close the bride and groom sit next to each other and how aware the groom should be of where he puts his feet. I have never forgotten the dreadful ripping sound as one bride attempted to stand after the blessing at the altar.
This is the time to remember which is the fourth finger of the left hand, how many people are present for the signing of the marriage document (and where this takes place), and how to “about wheel” before leaving the church. It is also a good idea to remind the groom that the marriage service is not valid if either side is drunk and to remind the bride that being late is rude and not a good signal to the groom of how much she loves him.
But it is also the time to reassure them that the minister is in charge, that you have done this many times before (even if you haven’t), and that if anything goes wrong it won’t be a complete disaster (even if it is).
The wedding party
I LOVE the time before the service begins, when the building is full of flowers, the organist is playing a random medley of happy tunes, and the church fills up with people in various stages of expectation, excitement, and inebriation. The clothes are wonderful, showing no regard for the vagaries of the English climate, as we all believe that weddings happen on sunny days. Children buzz around, exploring an unfamiliar location, or are kettled tightly in their pews by parents anxious that they should not disgrace themselves.
People stand around awkwardly eyeing each other, wondering whose “side” everyone is from, and anxiously reciting the names of distant relatives for fear of forgetting and thus offending. Very old women, dressed in unfamiliar clothes, discuss weddings they have known and speculate on the length of marriages. All is bright and happy, if a little edgy — as will be the case with strangers in an unfamiliar building.
The minister’s role place is to look calm and confident, cheerfully reminding the ushers of their task, reassuring the anxious groom that the bride will arrive, complimenting the bridesmaids, and pointing out the children’s corner to the parents and the toilet facilities to just about everybody (including once, memorably, a bride dressed in the most enormous crinoline affair, which only narrowly escaped complete disaster).
The bride’s mother
IN MY early days, the bride’s mother used to pose all sorts of challenges, from impossible demands about the rearrangement of the furniture (“No, the pews are definitely fixed; so is the organ, and I’m sorry the altar is so ugly, but that too has to stay”) to a minute-by-minute timetable for the event, leaving everyone a little flurried and rather confused. Looking back, I think this was an age thing: now I am as old as the bride’s mother rather than the bride, I find I can communicate much more easily. I think, too, that the poor women are so aware of the dreadful stigma attached to being the bride’s mother that they are now terrified of overstepping the mark.
The situation has also been made easier by the fact that, in my experience, most weddings are now paid for by the couple themselves rather than the parents, and “those who pay the piper call the tune.”
The photographer
IT IS always a good idea to have a conversation with the photographer beforehand. Set out clearly what your parameters are, what will and will not be permitted during the service, and which parts they probably shouldn’t be photographing. My instructions have become simpler over the years as I have learned that — although they will agree very readily to every request during your discussion at the rehearsal, or just before the service begins — they aren’t actually listening.
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Every seasoned wedding snapper knows that once the minister starts the service, they are very unlikely to stop mid-flow to castigate the photographer. I now ask simply that they don’t stand directly between me and the couple and that, as far as possible, the couple are unaware that their pictures are being taken.
Interestingly, I am now being asked by the couple themselves to request that the congregation refrains from taking photographs during the service. Apparently curating the social-media output is very important and cannot be left to amateurs. This has the benefit of not having to battle with a multitude of bright camera flashes throughout the service — one less distraction.
Hymns
THESE have become more problematic over the years. When I first began, traditional hymns were still being sung in school assemblies, and so people had an admittedly small but reasonably appropriate repertoire of songs to choose from. As school music has changed or declined, so the pool of Christian hymns has gradually dried up. Even the old favourites such as “All things bright and beautiful” are becoming less well known although, curiously, in my current part of the world, the go-to hymn is “How great thou art”.
Tact must occasionally be employed. “Abide with me” might be Granny’s favourite, but it’s a little depressing for the occasion. Giving couples a list of popular tunes is helpful — better still, direct them to something like the Church of England website, which plays extracts (although if you don’t know the tune of the “Sussex Carol” your options are more limited).
Sermon
I HAVE no wisdom at all to offer regarding the sermon. I cannot tell jokes and too much light-heartedness seems out of place at an occasion which, although joyful, is also solemn. I restrict what I say to an explanation of the service itself — the outer, party layers surrounding an inner, legal layer, which in turn cocoons the most important part, in which the couple pledge themselves to each other before God and we are merely witnesses rather than participants.
I have, when there are many children present, adapted this into a sort of pass-the-parcel affair, with symbols of each layer hidden in the paper, but this is as far as I go. Others do better, I am sure.
Confetti
I ONCE married a couple whose family were from Greece, where apparently the tradition is to throw rice at the newlyweds. The church was in the town centre, and it was pouring with rain outside; so this custom was carried out within the church building. It took two hours to sweep the place clean, and the mouse population exploded.
Happily, contemporary couples are much more in tune with the concept of biodegradable confetti than they were, when plastic rose petals of vivid hue stuck damply to headstones for months afterwards. This eco-awareness, combined with the TikTok-influenced preference for carefully choreographed aisles of confetti-lobbers, means that no more than a few dried rose petals will drift through the church doors as a reminder of the festivities.
Music
WE WERE at the end of the rehearsal. We had been through the service, sorted out some issues, and were just positioning the speakers for the entrance music. I idly enquired what the bride was coming in to. “Sex Bomb” was the answer. I was silent for a moment. I had not been expecting “The Arrival of the Queen of Sheba”, but something with lyrics a little less outspoken than this. The opportunity for discussing it had passed, however. It was too late: all was arranged.
Reflecting afterwards, however, I thought that it was a beautiful moment. For some, the escorting of a modest, veil-bedecked virgin carefully up the nave by one man, and the transfer at the crossing of responsibility for her well-being to another, is how a bride should enter. But this woman sashayed slowly through the flower-filled country church, full of confidence and joy, accompanied by her father, not as his possession, but as his precious child. At the end of her triumphant walk, she turned a glowing face towards the man she had chosen to share her life with, who had chosen her in turn; she was sure of her choice and ready to affirm her vows in the company of all those who loved her.
The wedding couple
IT HAS always been a privilege to accompany two people who are prepared to declare in public that they will love and support each other as best as they can for as long as they are able. It is not a responsibility that I take lightly. Every couple is unique, and all have brought something different to my understanding, not only of the minister’s task, but of the nature of marriage itself.
I have long given up trying to predict which marriages will succeed and which will fail. It is an arrogant thing to attempt. Who knows what life will throw at the people committing themselves to each other on a particular day at a certain time? I simply remain grateful that, as a priest in the Church of England, I can play this part in a relationship that is as demanding as it is precious.
The Revd Dr Sally Welch is Vicar of the Kington Group in the diocese of Hereford.