CHRISTMAS is the time of year where we are often at our most nostalgic, and we take comfort and joy in remembering Christmases past as we celebrate the present. But what about those people whose memories are affected by dementia? How can we — as parish churches called to care for the souls of all those who live within our parish boundaries, those with dementia included — shine the light of Jesus’s incarnation into the dark streets of disturbed memories?
Those were the questions that a small group within our congregation began discussing a few years ago — questions that prayerfully led to what has now become an annual carol service aimed particularly at those living with dementia, and their families and carers. We call the service “Christmas Down Memory Lane”.
From the beginning, we realised that it was important to offer something where people with dementia would feel comfortable. To speak of people “living with dementia” is complex in itself: no two experiences of dementia are the same. Some of the people living with dementia who come to services at our church throughout the year are able to attend on their own, while others are able to come only with the support of carers or family members. But, as we learned more about the realities of dementia, talked with people who could help us to understand what we could do, and began to put our learning into practice, we started to see some simple but profound themes emerging.
One of those themes was to be aware of — and, therefore, make positive use of — the power of memory. It is often the familiar words and phrases absorbed earlier in life that people with dementia are still able to articulate: the traditional words of the Lord’s Prayer, for example, or Christmas carols with their traditional language (“thee” and “thy” instead of “you” and “your”). As we have incorporated these into our service, it has been a moving privilege to see people singing and praying along, word for word. There is power in familiar language, and this is something that does not apply only to Christmas: it can be woven into our worship throughout the year.
THE service starts with a school choir singing some Christmas songs — everyone loves the gathering of all ages. Led by a small choir, we then sing a mix of Christmas carols, and everyone is invited to sing along. There are a two-minute reflection and some short prayers, always including the Lord’s Prayer. Words are available on screens, and also in large-print orders of service. It is all done within 45 minutes, and everyone is invited to be themselves, and to feel at home.
Another theme that we realised we needed to be aware of was thinking about how people would navigate our buildings. Ours is a relatively modern church, but, like all sacred spaces, it has its challenges, its quirks, and its hidden steps. We had to imagine what it would be like to enter a strange and unfamiliar building for the first time, and how we might be able to make that as easy as possible.
For us, that involved identifying the most straightforward route into church, and then from church into our hall, where we serve lunch after the service. Making clear paths is simple but meaningful, and ensuring that doors are open helps hugely. We also have people on hand to point the way gently, and be ready to take an arm and walk together with someone if needed.
FINALLY, the power of hospitality came through strongly. Many people living with dementia cannot enjoy life as they used to; so we wanted to create an opportunity for them to do something that they would enjoy. After the service, therefore, we invite everyone to join us for a free lunch. The food is simple: sandwiches, cake, and tea — staple Church of England fare. But, again, it is familiar, and it is easy.
We set the tables well but simply, making it clear where plates and napkins are by using contrasting colours. People are welcome to stay for as long or as short a time as they wish. Some have a sandwich and leave; others stay for longer than we have planned. But everyone enjoys it hugely.
Again, there is plenty here that is not reserved for Christmas: we have taken what we have learnt and applied it to a summer tea dance, which we now hold annually, and which follows many of the same principles.
It has been a great privilege to hear how much people have enjoyed the service. It is not unusual to hear a family member who has accompanied someone with dementia say that they have felt comfortable and at home for the first time in a long while; and many tears have been shed in seeing loved ones joining in.
For us, as a parish church, accompanying people down memory lane is now at the heart of our Christmas celebrations.
The Revd James Dwyer is Vicar of Flackwell Heath and Area Dean of Wycombe in the diocese of Oxford.
Dos and don’ts
- Don’t be put off — it can actually be pretty simple.
- Don’t feel you have to do it all at once: it is a step-by-step journey that can grow over the years.
- Do think about your use of language, and remember that traditional wording will be familiar.
- Do think about your buildings, and how easy it may/may not be for people to move around.
- Don’t worry about making a service too long — 45 minutes is plenty.
- Don’t worry if there is disruption or interruption: both are perfectly normal.
- Do remember that plenty of these principles can be applied to services and other events year-round, not just at Christmas.