A FUNERAL is a milestone in the journey after a bereavement, but it is not the end of the road. Unfortunately for those who are grieving, not everyone seems to grasp this.
For many people who have suffered a profound loss through bereavement, the first days after the death of their loved one are filled with essential activity. The practical aspects alone can feel quite overwhelming, but, of course, on top of this, there are the emotional and psychological impacts of grief.
Initially, almost every thought may be consumed by loss. No matter the strength of a person’s faith, the reality of their loved one’s absence will hit them hard.
The individual at the centre of such a maelstrom of grief needs kindness and support, understanding and empathy. The presence of those who care about them and their loved one can make an immense difference to the journey of grief.
Often, people rally round during the initial period after a bereavement. Family and friends may visit, call, and offer support. Churchgoers may receive pastoral care. There may be assistance in arranging the funeral. This is not always true, particularly if it was a sudden death, or in difficult circumstances, but, in general, most people people I have spoken with have had positive support in this early period.
It is in the time after the funeral that grievers may find themselves increasingly isolated, owing to other people’s reactions or silence.
A FUNERAL is sometimes misunderstood as drawing a line under a bereavement: that it represents a closure. This is not the case. An important ritual in the process of mourning, a funeral is more of a start than an end point. The bereaved now face a life without their loved one, and this could involve significant change, particularly if the loved one played a central part, such as that of a spouse.
Elsie, 75, described how she had never slept alone in a house until her husband died. To have nobody under the same roof made her nervous every night, until she started getting used to it.
Kathy, widowed unexpectedly, explained: “I had a lovely priest who was incredibly sympathetic to the whole situation surrounding my husband’s death, but there was no further bereavement support [after the funeral] provided by the church.
“This lack of support left me really struggling, especially with my feelings about God and what had happened. I really needed to be able to talk through everything from a religious aspect, which I couldn’t get with conventional bereavement counselling.”
The need to organise ongoing pastoral support is something that many of the clergy are now more aware of. It is to be hoped that Kathy’s situation is not replicated too often.
IT IS not only a matter of a lack of organised support, however. It is other people’s reactions that can be disorientating, leaving the bereaved baffled at the apparent lack of understanding or empathy. This could be from anyone in their family or circle of acquaintance, including church members.
When their daughter Iona, aged 24, died unexpectedly, Lorraine and Roger were devastated. The cause was unexplained until an inquest, 18 months later, concluded that Iona had died of a treatable disease while under medical care. Members of a large Anglican congregation at the time, they had good support for the funeral from the curate, and, in the first year, their house group was understanding and supportive. It was the reactions of other members of the congregation which became a source of hurt.
Lorraine said: “The members of our church family broadly fell into three camps: those who didn’t know what to say and avoided us; those who wanted to share their tragedy (talk about their own losses and not our daughter); and those who wanted to engage with us, but in their eagerness/desperation said crass things. For example: ‘I understand how you feel — my cat died recently.’
“The day after the funeral, we were asked, ‘Have you started to move on?’ These responses made us feel despairing and isolated.”
Rosalind is another mother who also suffered the unexpected loss of an adult child. She explained: “I found going back to church one of hardest places to be. People sometimes asked me how I was, as they walked past me during the service. Not sure how quickly they thought I could answer that. It made me feel like they had no inkling of what I was going through, and made me even more isolated.”
Dealing with this type of casual question is something that many bereaved people struggle with. Does the person enquiring even want an answer? It can feel as though their deep pain is being carelessly dismissed.
Some people do not want to know. It is quite astonishing for the bereaved when people literally cross the road to avoid having a conversation with them, but this is what too many people experience. Even when they are not ignored, the mourner may still feel that the depth of their grief is being minimised, if what they hear are thoughtless comments and platitudes.
THERE is an expectation that a church, of all places, is where the bereaved will find comfort and support. It often is, but, clearly, not always. If their grief is overlooked, or dismissed with clichés or the inappropriate quoting of verses from the Bible, or if the griever is chided to “move on”, then the very real danger is that people may look elsewhere for a better welcome.
Daniel’s experience has led him to start his own bereavement-support group at his church. “Many people who I considered close friends either made no contact, or avoided talking about [my wife]. My church does not know how to deal with grief and loss.”
There are many discussions in bereavement-counselling circles about why other people may try to evade a mourner; why they may not acknowledge their grief; are reluctant to talk about the deceased, or offer inappropriate comments.
This happens, even though many people are well-meaning. Perhaps they are afraid of saying the wrong thing and therefore say nothing, or resort to clichés. Perhaps they are afraid that they, too, could one day go through something similar. Perhaps avoiding open expressions of emotion has been our cultural norm for too long.
Perhaps, despite the body of current research into grief, there is still not enough understanding and acknowledgement that grief is a complex lifelong journey.
EACH person’s grief journey is unique to them, with ups and downs, steps forward, and steps backwards. There are no linear stages, but the intensity does change.
The bereaved adjust, just as the amputee adjusts to living with a prosthetic limb. Grief usually becomes manageable. The loved one is never forgotten, but thoughts about them will not always dominate daily life. The bereaved live with their loss.
This is where the rest of us come into the picture. We can help the bereaved to live well with their loss. Research has shown that grieving people who receive good social support have improved well-being.
Offering genuine connection to those who are grieving makes a positive difference. This is not complicated. It can simply involve taking the time to listen, finding out how the person is coping right now, asking about their loved one, and, when appropriate, offering practical help. There is no time limit for this. Grief does not end at the funeral or after six months, one year, or two years.
“The greatest suffering at the death of a friend does not occur immediately upon the event. It comes when the world have forgotten that you have cause to weep; for when the eyes are dry, the heart is often bleeding,” wrote the 19th-century clergyman Nehemiah Adams.
None of us can take away somebody else’s grief, nor should we try, but we can give them a safe space in which to grieve.
We are enjoined to “weep with them that weep” (Romans 12.15). We can walk beside the grieving when it is their “time to mourn” and their “time to weep” (Ecclesiastes 3.4), just as we would wish someone to walk beside us.
Abi May, a mother bereaved of her two children, Pax and Catherine, has been running the Living with Loss project since 2016, besides working with the charity the Compassionate Friends. This has put her in touch with hundreds of bereaved people around the country, many of whom are church members. She runs retreats and organises training, both in person and online. livingwithloss.co.uk
In this article, some names have been changed.