Have a go at our next caption competition (whether or not you watch ITV’s The Chase). Send entries by email only to captioncompetition@churchtimes.co.uk by 9 a.m., Monday 29 July.
Here is the winning entry for the previous competition:
Heidi MoxamHeidi Moxam
We should satisfy our thirst after righteousness. The local pub is just over there! (Mark Parry)
A PHOTO published on the day a new government took office was bound to generate some political captions:
“If you look carefully you can see a Conservative MP. They are a vanishing breed nowadays” (Patrick Irwin); “Look over there, Bishop. I can see a rare species: a Conservative MP” (John Radford); “Is that the defeated Conservative Party candidate slinking away” (Brian Stevenson); “Don’t laugh — there’s our ex-Conservative MP” (Valerie Ganne); “See that? The last of the Tories have been run out of town!” (Eric Jones); “Proof that prayers are answered: that’s Rishi’s private jet taking off for California” (Chaz Griffiths).
England’s Euros dream is over, but they were not to know it at the time:
“Look over there . . . football’s coming home!” (Angella Willis); “Look, there is one member of the congregation turning up on the Euros final day” (Helga Brandt); “I’m sorry, I thought it was a group of youngsters coming to the service, but they must be on the way to a football match” (Richard Hough).
Still, with the election and the Euros over, there’s always the weather to talk about:
“Is it a plane? Is it a bird? Or maybe the Holy Spirit descending like a dove? Oh no, looks like rain again!” (Richard Spray); “The deacon was pointing out to the Bishop the advantages his new plastic waterproof surplice would have against the cloud burst rapidly approaching them up Cathedral Hill” (Robin Morgan).
And there are more pressing needs to which to attend:
“The nearest loo is that way, Bishop, just past the rood screen and round to the left” (Jacky Tivers); “The pub just round that corner allows us to use their loo free” (Malcolm Evans); “The toilet is over there in the multi-storey car park” (Paul MacDermott); ““The Gents is that door down there, Bishop, labelled “Purgatory”’. ‘How appropriate!’” (Geoffrey Robinson).
Identifying correctly all the churches in one’s diocese is sometimes a challenge:
“No! You want James the Less. You can just see the top of the spire at the far end of the High Street” (Chris Tookey); “I told you last time you visited, this is St Saviour’s, St Michael’s is down there!” (Sue Chick); “I think you have come to the wrong Church, Bishop: Ss. Smells and Bells is just round that corner!” (Philip Deane).
Keeping track of the procession is another challenge that is often underestimated:
“The procession went straight past the cathedral, Bishop, and turned left by the rubbish and recycling bins. You can rejoin it there if you run” (Mervyn Cox); “The procession went that way; if we hurry, we can catch them up” (Bill de Quick).
When smartphone satnav is not available:
“Walk to the end of the road and the Number 36 will take you straight there” (Penny Roberts); “‘There’s a church bell ringin’ Hear the sound of joy that it’s singin’ Is this the way to Amarillo?’ ‘No, that way is the main car park’” (Julian Ashton); “In the words of the Pet Shop Boys: Go west” (Claire Driver); “If you can only go diagonally, you’ll have to go that way” (Eric Hindle).
Some other entries for readers’ amusement:
“So all that leaves you to do is the 300-metre sprint through the grounds, to shimmy up that rope ladder, and then zip-line through the quadrangle” (Philip Lickley); “Look, you can see my house from here” (Fran Tate); “It’s the Archdeacon. Quick, look busy” (Michael Doe); “You’re not supposed to point at the object when playing I Spy!” (Pearl Davison); “Look over there — he looks just like you-know-who” (Gill Thompson); “Not quite the kit Jesus recommended, but now off you go and make disciples of all nations” (John Saxbee); “If you’re the real Bishop, who’s he?” (Susan Patel); “They both looked to the horizon for the cavalry to save the C of E” (Chris Coupe); “Greased Lightnin’, go Greased Lightnin’” (Samantha McGinty); “See!” (Mary Hawkins); “Look, he’s wearing the same outfit as you!” (Anthony Gore); “Just the eyesight test and then you are a fully fledged bishop, said Jeremy, his day job of driving-test examiner making him slightly confused” (Vicky Deasley); “Look! There is a very rare lesser-spotted Gen Z in the congregation!” (Jo Mash); “For those of you who thought I would never make it this far, there are the pigs flying!” (Paulette Yallop); “Look, Bishop, is that your car which is being towed away?” (Janet Chapman); “If you aim for space no. 4, you will find it easier to sit on the throne” (Eunice Owens); “Breaking News: ‘The church yo-yo thief strikes again’” (Ken Wilkinson); “If you want to be inconspicuous, then follow the yellow brick road” (Michael Foster).
As ever, the winner receives a prize of Fairtrade chocolate, courtesy of Divine Chocolate.
divinechocolate.com