GROWING up, I loved the TV programme Flipper, which followed the adventures of a friendly dolphin — so much so that it became my lifetime ambition to swim with one.
I finally got the chance, while on holiday with my family in Egypt. But my dream adventure wasn’t to be. When every other adult on the boat turned down the offer of a lifejacket, I did, too. But when we all jumped in the water, I immediately swallowed some sea water and started choking.
Three dolphins came past, but the moment passed me by: I was struggling to catch my breath as all the while the boat was moving away from me.
There was no other choice but to shout to the instructor for help. He threw me the life-buoyancy ring, and helped me out of the water. I was mortified — swamped by feelings of inadequacy and shame.
Plenty of people would have shrugged it off. But, later that day, as I thought about why it felt so utterly humiliating for me, I realised that it was because it reinforced a negative belief that there is something fundamentally flawed about me.
I have carried this feeling for as long as I can remember, and always try really hard to overcome my perceived flaws.
I have been in Christian leadership, and pioneered a number of charities (Features, 13 July 2018 and 12 May 2023). I have always felt that I need to keep pushing myself, inadvertently believing the lie that I am what I can accomplish.
To try to be enough, I have worked hard to stop people thinking less of me, or to make others happy — including trying to keep God “happy” by good behaviour, and by doing things for him. It is only recently that I have understood that this is perfectionism.
Our society suggests that it is good to be a perfectionist, because it makes us push ourselves hard and set high standards. People sometimes claim to be one, like a badge of honour, assuming that it makes them the ideal employee.
The American academic and author Brené Brown, however, says in her book Atlas of the Heart: “Research shows that perfectionism hampers success. In fact, it often sets you on the path to depression, anxiety, addiction, and life paralysis.”
Perfectionism is a moving target one can never hit. It means your self-worth is constantly on the line, because it is dependent on hitting impossible standards. It is like walking round each day with someone by your side constantly telling you you’re not good enough, and that you need to do better.
Many working for the Church feel the pressure of leading a growing or “successful” church. When we are working with people with a variety of needs, it is hard to ever switch off or feel as if we have done a good enough job. When there is a constant need to do more, burnout is an ever present possibility.
Instead of listening to your inner critic, I would like to offer you some hope: this does not have to be a life sentence. While there is no “one-size-fits-all” answer, some effective antidotes to perfectionism which I have discovered include:
Accepting grace
Grace is an overused word, and something we can understand in principle, but not always accept in our hearts — even those in Christian leadership.
We all fall short, and need to seek forgiveness from God, and anyone we’ve hurt, and then do what we can to lessen the risks of the same thing happening again.
But, then, we have to move on.
I spent many years wallowing in guilt, and realised that it doesn’t help anyone. It just keeps me trapped in shame.
It helps to remind ourselves that we are flawed human beings, but we have an intrinsic value to God which is not earned by good behaviour.
God forgives us, but we often have to do some work to forgive ourselves.
Being accepted by others
Sometimes, perfectionism can tell us we need to be liked and valued by all people, whereas there is real beauty in being truly known by one or two people.
If you don’t have a person who springs to mind, perhaps consider who you might be able to intentionally open up to.
If in ministry, perhaps this could include a group of others who are similarly looking to develop honest peer relationships. A spiritual director is another avenue to explore for honest and spiritually encouraging reflection.
Developing the right view of success
Success isn’t about how much money you earn, how big your church becomes (if you are in ministry), or how high you climb up the career ladder: it is about being your authentic self. Aim less for perfection and, growing in honesty, more for being yourself.
Living by your values
Our values shape how we behave, think, and feel; they show us our priorities and what is important to us. One of my values is family; so that means, for example, that I have to put boundaries to my work to be able to prioritise time with my children.
Think about your own values, and reflect back on these periodically to keep your own sense of well-being in sight.
Reframing the story that you tell yourself, when you perceive that something has gone wrong
It takes time to catch “wrong” thoughts about yourself, and to start to develop different mental habits. When thinking of yourself negatively, consider: are you telling yourself the whole story, or is there a part missing? What evidence do you have for this story? Could there be an alternative one to replace it?
Learning how to catch our thoughts and gracefully restore our mind (2 Corinthians 10.5), so that we look at ourselves and situations with God’s perspective, strengthens each time we able able to reframe a negative story.
Finding a lesson in the mistake
Unfortunately, some of life’s biggest lessons are learned through making mistakes. When you think you have made one, take a look at what you can learn rather than what you think you failed to achieve.
To encourage yourself, periodically consider what lessons you have learned recently.
Letting go of comparison
You are unique. Take time to appreciate the differences between yourself and your friends, family, and colleagues. Remind yourself that are not in competition with anyone.
Learning humility
Let go of any burden you may have either to know the answer to everything, or to be always right. It keeps you grounded to remind yourself that everyone is always learning.
OF COURSE, by its very nature, perfectionism fuels the need to put on a “front”, to try and hide the things that we are ashamed of. But one of the best things that we can do for our mental health is to be honest with ourselves, and others, about how we are really doing.
Patrick Regan
If we are struggling — whether because of day-to-day ups and downs, or more serious issues such as anxiety and depression — the worst thing to do is to try and hide it. If we do, we become lonely and disconnected, feeling unseen and unheard, and that’s like pouring fuel on a fire.
The need for connection with others is wired into our DNA from birth. When researchers began looking into why infant mortality rates were so high (30-40 per cent), they found that babies who were not held enough could stop growing, and, if the lack of physical touch continued, they could even die. We were created for relationship. Kindness and acceptance from people around us can make all the difference to our well-being.
What else can do for ourselves, if we find ourselves in a place where our mental health feels poor?
One thing that helped me was the picture of the resilience river used by the medic and academic Professor Patrick Pietroni. He encourages us to imagine that we are in a boat on a river. Below us are rocks, which represent life’s challenges, but, when the water is high, our boats are able to sail along without problems.
The rocks are always present, but it is only when the water gets low that we find ourselves crashing into them.
What things lower the water level? Commonly: lack of sleep, a stressful situation at work or home, bad diet, and being too busy.
What things help to bring the water level back up? Self-compassion (compassion towards ourselves), rest, relaxation and healthy relationships. Plus there are, of course, other things that are more personal to us that bring us life, such as watching a football match, taking time to journal, exercise, or being creative.
I used to think that I was going to be stuck with poor mental health for the rest of my life. I had had some periods in my life when I had been really low, and I lost hope that things would change. But I have learned that change is possible.
Making a list of the things that raised and lowered the water level for me became an amazing tool, which started to give me back a feeling of control in relation to my mental well-being.
I have also learned that everything feels better when I’m honest with myself and with trustworthy people about how I am feeling.
We all have struggles. These may include anxiety and depression, shame, and/or grief over people we have lost and ways in which our lives have changed. Many people struggle with anger that they don’t know how to express in a healthy way, or perhaps feel stuck in situations where they cannot forgive others or themselves.
Much of the work I do now is about giving space to topics that often don’t get talked about, encouraging people that being kind to themselves, and being in honest relationships, can make all the difference to their mental health.
Each of us deserves to be seen, heard, and valued. Each of us deserves to invest in our mental well-being. There is hope. Brighter days are possible.
Patrick Regan now runs Brighter Days, offering training for organisations to help people to navigate uncertainty, develop resilience, and foster cultures that prioritise well-being and authenticity. He is the author, with Liza Hoeksma, of Brighter Days: 12 steps to strengthening your wellbeing, published by SPCK at £12.99 (Church Times Bookshop £11.69); 978-0-281-08787.
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