Have a go at our next caption competition (above). Send entries by email only to email@example.com by 9 a.m., Monday 8 May
Here is the winning entry for the previous competition:
The Church does not approve of gambling, but spotting the ball is a test of skill, especially for church funds. I think the centre is about here (Derek Metson)
POWER struggles between deans and vergers? We couldn’t possibly comment:
“You may be the Dean, but I am the verger, and I am leading the procession” (Patrick Irwin); “The rule is, Mr Dean, that you must always follow your verger withersoever he goeth, without hesitation or deviation, or you may discover what this silver cattle prod is really for” (Charles Taylor); “Now, look here, you may be the Dean, but I’m the head verger, and I know how to wield my wand” (North Kerr); “Now you listen to me, mate, it’s the vergers who run the show round here!” (Philip Deane); “You may be a bishop, but that does not give you permission to overtake me in the procession!” (Brenda Barwick); “Rock, paper, scissors seemed the best way to settle who took the lead in the procession” (Melanie Threadgold).
“If I let you in, promise me you will be on your best behaviour” (Gregor Stewart); “Look here, Mr Dean, I’m really fed up with you following me around” (John Saxbee); “Let’s get this absolutely clear. Once we get inside, I am in charge, and under no circumstances do you move until I invite you to do so” (Christopher Miller); “Remember, I could lead you into a very dark crypt and leave you there” (Angela Tilby); “I must make it very clear I’m the leader setting the pace — firmly holding the weapons” (Eunice Owens); “I’ve told you more than once that I lead the procession’’ (Peter Walker); “If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a hundred times: I go first and you go last” (Alison Rollin).
The Dean could be forgiven for being confused about how long exactly his sermon should be:
“You realise, sir, I’m sure, that your sermon must not exceed 17.5 minutes because of the other commitments today” (Richard Hough); “If you are still in the pulpit after 15 minutes, I will switch off the sound system” (Michael Watts); “Oh, and another thing, sermons no longer than 12 minutes!” (Richard Spray); “If the sermon’s more than ten minutes, I’ll use your crosier to hook you” (Valerie Budd); “Look here, just make sure you keep that sermon to ten minutes this time!” (Lynda Sebbage); “Remember what I told you: sermons must be seven minutes, and no longer” (Daniel Anthony).
“It’s either double time on Coronation Day, or I quit” (Richard Strudwick); “Are you sure we’ve come to the right church for the coronation, Mr Dean?” (John Radford); “We just can’t agree on how best to cut the quiche. . . Better call off the bring-and-share coronation lunch” (Nick Baker); “I thought you were making the coronation quiche?” (Julie Duggan).
Some other entries for readers’ amusement:
“For the last time, where have you hidden my Easter egg?” (Brian Stevenson); “I must remember that: one finger pointing at you is three pointing back at me” (Barry Lear); “I believe that is my copy of the Church Times that you have there” (Alison Woods); “The clerical outfitter’s catalogue in an age of controversy” (Martin Kettle); “Don’t argue! I know what ‘living in love and faith’ means!” (Richard Martin); “You were only supposed to blow the bloody doors off!” (Emma Speake); “The vergers were threatening a walkout in procession” (Julia Norman); “And, if Harry arrives, tell him we’re full” (Michael Doe).
“No! I will not allow you to nail your 95 theses to the cathedral door” (Michael Foster); “No, I’m not Toby Jones” (Stephen Low); “Evidently, if you tape a light bulb to the end of your finger, you can phone HQ without using any of your data” (Jeannie Chamberlain); “I see your very little point” (Robert Shooter); “Do that one more time and you’re out. I don’t care who you are!” (Graham Spencer); “I know you, don’t I? Now, don’t tell me. . .” (Jonathan Doering); “Don’t let anyone leave the church until my yo-yo is returned” (Ken Wilkinson); “Checkmate!” (Valerie Ganne); “It’s a bit pink — are you sure that sausage is cooked?” (Rob Falconer); “The umpires training session continued after the service with a demonstration of how to give the batter out” (Dave Thompson).
As ever, the winner receives a prize of Fairtrade chocolate, courtesy of Divine Chocolate.