A PARADOX confronts those writing about grieving, because, if there’s one thing everyone in that situation accepts, it is that grieving is different for everyone, and no one can tell you how to do it. The way we grieve is “as unique as our fingerprints”, Tony Horsfall points out in this memoir of the first year after bereavement, drawn from his diary notes.
His grief after losing his wife of 47 years was intensified by the lockdown and consequent loss of the support systems that would normally have come into play. Survival was harder. Eating alone was worse. Almost all that he writes about will be recognisable to those who have lost a spouse, not least the unpredictability of how you will feel at any one time.
In a sense, there is nothing new here. The book doesn’t attempt deep philosophy around death and loss; nor is it a manual on how to cope day by day. But he articulates feelings that resonate, like this one: “It often feels like I live in two worlds at the same time. The one universe is full of kind compassionate friends doing their best to comfort and reassure me. . . But then there’s the space within my head, a parallel universe, to which I must return.”
He finds comfort in his daily devotions; he finds resources that help, and he concludes that grief can provide a “doorway to growth”, in which “hopefully we become deeper people, freed from the shallowness associated with a comfortable life.”
Grief Notes: Walking through loss: The first year after bereavement
Tony Horsfall
BRF £8.99
(978-1-80039-126-0)
Church Times Bookshop £8.09