“WHAT are you thinking?” Asked by a nervous, importunate partner after a pause in conversation, this question can bring on feelings of panic, since the answer may well be — nothing.

It is difficult precisely to articulate what at any given moment we are thinking. But it appears that we can train ourselves, as we learned on The Silent Mind (Radio 4, Monday of last week). Using the technique Descriptive Experience Sampling (DES), the subject is required to note down their thoughts whenever alerted by a beeper, which the subject must carry around all day. The technique has had some success with patients who, for instance, might mistakenly assume that all that they think about is how miserable they are.

At the heart of the writer and psychologist Charles Fernyhough’s investigation here was the phenomenon of inner silence. We assume that most people have inner conversations going on all the time. But what if there was nothing going on in there? People pay good money to calm the hubbub in their heads through therapies and meditation, but inner speech is essential, if only to construct the perfect put-down to that irritating colleague.

DES suggests that our brains are a good deal more taciturn than we think they are, even those of us whose minds seem a constant chatter. So, when someone says, after a long pause in conversation, that they have been thinking of nothing, it might just be true.

In the online world, in contrast, silence is full of meaning. When someone takes a break from online dialogue, it is called “ghosting”. It is an assertion of power, and leaves the other participant wondering what they did wrong. If the ghoster then returns to the conversation, pretending that nothing has happened, it is “zombieing”. But if, during that period of silence, there are hints that the absentee is still paying some attention — by liking posts, for instance — that is “breadcrumbing”.

Welcome to the world of online dating, and the bewildering lexicon that goes with it. Our guide in Word of Mouth (Radio 4, Monday of last week, repeat) was Michael Rosen and the “cyber-psychologist” Dr Nicola Fox Hamilton. As part of her research, Dr Fox Hamilton employs a computer to sift through millions of online interactions to assess the levels of deception involved in the online dating game. You can, for instance, confidently remove two inches from any man’s advertised height.

All of this makes us wonder about the importance that we place on telling the truth about our “authentic” self, in person and online. To present ourselves as gentler or more caring online could be decried as “caking”, while to espouse virtuous causes in the pursuit of a partner is known as “woke-fishing”. But are not these the strategies that, in the real world, we employ all the time to fit in, to impress, and perhaps, in the end, to find a suitable partner? By acting out a better self, we may just become that better self.