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Caption competition

by
15 January 2016

As they inserted the giant cocktail sticks into the inflatable Christingle, Laura realised that she had let the Church down, herself down. . . Jonnie Parkin “What was that? The funeral is first, before the Christingle?” For this we campaigned? both Valerie Budd

As they inserted the giant cocktail sticks into the inflatable Christingle, Laura realised that she had let the Church down, herself down. . . Jonnie ...

OUR photo of the Revd Laura Hill went down a storm with our readers over Christmas, as the real thing did in the parish in Bridgnorth, we are told.

It is clear that she has a good relationship with her Rector, the Revd Simon Cawdell. Otherwise, why would he start a sentence: “This might be unfair, as I am the training incumbent, but. . .”

His entry, “The curate wondered whether this constituted cruel and unusual punishment,” was one of many prompted by the photo. Others included: “The camouflage for the new telecom mast on the church was a little OTT” (Tom Page); “Laura felt more like the unfortunate star of an anti-bullfighting film” (Russ Bravo); and “The new ‘Reform and Renewal’ vestments policy was clearly starting to unravel” (Derwyn Williams).

Embarrassment featured large: “Laura bluffed her way through what she had thought was a fancy-dress party” (Robert Shooter); “Laura had been on her own for quite a while before she realised she was in the wrong church for the Christingle service” (Sue Chick); and “Laura tried to explain that she represented the world, but the children thought that she was going to have a baby” (Patrick Irwin).

Another theme emerged: “The demonstration of the Soyuz take-off was not quite what Tim was expecting” (Chris Corteen); “Laura prepares for blast-off to be the first chaplain aboard the International Space Station’’ (Peter Walker); “When they lit the blue touch-paper on that little lot, Major Tim Peake got a surprise Christmas visit from the vicar” (Charles Taylor); and “The Bishop had told her she should be ‘in the world but not of it’” (Tom Page).

Then there were the phone gags: “Laura could never get more than four bars on Orange” (John Lloyd); and “Having failed for years to get a mobile signal in her rural parish, the Revd Chris Tingle finally changed to Orange” (Charles Taylor).

In a class completely on its own (oddly): “‘Ah valued thriller’: it’s an anagram of ‘The Revd Laura Hill’. How appropriate” (Ray Morris).

Other plays on words: “Lecherous Christopher blushed in the congregation; in fact, the sexy outfit made Chris tingle” (Don Manley); “The Rhythm Of Life is a powerful beat, puts Christingle in your fingers and Christingle in your feet” (Richard Barnes); “And now for the pithy sermon. . .” (David Hill).

Then, in no particular order: “Light-headed, well-rounded, and a little bit fruity, the Vicar of Dibley returns for a festive special” (John Saxbee); “Mr and Mrs Tingle never envisaged the potential embarrassment for their daughter when they named her Chris” (Chris Coupe); and “The collection for the Bridgnorth Christmas foodbank had got off to a good start” (Sue Chick).

In the painful corner: “The Vicar was beginning to think that the idea on the Fresh Expressions website to combine the Christingle with the Patronal Festival at St Sebastian’s wasn’t such a good idea after all” (John Radford); “And the costume would come in handy for the St Sebastian memorial service later that week” (Diane Murphy); and “Having been stabbed several times, she began to realise she was actually a blood orange” (Alison Rollin).

A few more at random: “Perhaps wearing a Vivienne Westwood creation on Gaudete Sunday was a little over the top” (Lyn Kenny); “And my parents were so relieved when I gave up my childish ambition to be a clown” (Valerie Budd); “Laura would become completely spherical once the injections took effect” (Paul Taylor); “Laura felt like a bit of a lemon in her outfit” (Bridget Swan); and “Anyone who tries to light my candle will be put on Messy Church duty for the next six months” (Richard Hough).

And yet more: “After sitting through this, the Jaffa Cakes are mine!” (Chris Coupe); “No one had yet told her that the PCC had recently invested in a parish juicer, and had been looking for an early opportunity to try it out” (Alison Rollin); “Combining the Christingle service with Guy Fawkes’ Night had seemed a good idea at the time” (Patrick Irwin); “No one was convinced that Laura did it for the fruit” (Vicky Lundberg); and “After the Christingle service, Laura was left feeling somewhat deflated” (Daphne Foster).

We especially liked: “Laura was actually the prize in the Church Times caption competition” (Patrick Irwin); “My other outfit is from Walnut Wippell’’s” (David Hill); “To be fair, the Bishop had charged her to go into the world and bear fruit” (John Saxbee); “That’s the last time I ask the children what I should wear for Christmas” (Richard Hough); and “Clergy Code of Conduct para 37(b): ‘Never ask a parishioner to make you a Christingle’” (Derwyn Williams).

It was hard to choose, yet again, but we selected two entrants who will each receive a supply of Fairtrade chocolate, courtesy of Divine (divinechocolate. com).

 

by email to:

captioncompetition@churchtimes.co.uk

 

by post (postcards only) to:

Caption Competition
Church Times
3rd floor
Invicta House
108-114 Golden Lane
London EC1Y 0TG

 

by fax to:

020 7490 7093

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