From Dr Sandy Brewer
Sir, - Earlier this year, the Church Times provided
an excellent review of Inside Grief, edited by Bishop
Stephen Oliver (Books, 14
February). I read the book, having been recently bereaved, and
found it to be an exemplary text, especially the chapter in which
the editor writes of his own experience of bereavement
The Revd Dr Rachel Mann's article "Be honest about the finality
of death" (Comment, 15
August) attracted my attention for similar reasons. The article
prompted two letters last week, both supportive. But I believe that
important points are being overlooked if we accept Dr Mann's
comments without first engaging critically with some of the
implications of her words.
Dr Mann begins her discussion by looking at what she sees as "a
fashionable way of talking about death in our culture", and writes
that nowadays, "rather than saying that someone has died, many
people now say they have 'passed'." She sees this as evidence of
society's "becoming ever more frightened by the finality of death",
and thus resorting to euphemisms.
But I recall from my childhood in the 1950s that describing
someone as having "passed away" was common usage; and the
OED reveals a much longer history.
Anyone who has cared for a terminally ill relative, partner, or
friend will need no lessons on the reality of death and the process
of dying. Seeing a person you love move from being in a state of
physical suffering to death is unarguably to witness a transition,
and so can easily be equated to "passing" without being in any way
a euphemism. Analogies and symbolism are the stuff of much poetry;
we do not see this as a flight from reality or linguistic
dishonesty, but an enriching of human expression.
I offer a plea for compassion for the dying and the bereaved,
that they not be further burdened by the requirement to meet the
aesthetic standards of a prescribed language, especially by those
whose calling is to minister to all members of their wider
congregations. I would also think poorly of any member of the
clergy who thought it appropriate to swap "funeral stories" as Dr
Mann describes in her article.
It is vital in an equal society, and in a Church committed to
respect for all, that dying and bereavement should not be
ring-fenced by any form of cultural correctness. There are social
and ethnic groups in the UK who have long experienced the
scrutinising (and often the correcting) of their language-use by
people in positions of responsibility. We can only hope that
bereavement does not become yet another human experience
circumscribed by experts giving us the "stages of grieving", and
assigning to us appropriate behaviour and acceptable
expressions.
Dr Mann provides interesting statistics to show a marked decline
in Anglican funerals. There could be many reasons for this, not
least the closure of many parish churches. But it might be that
some of the bereaved sense the attitudes of those (few, I hope)
sitting in judgement on their choice of expressive vocabulary, and
decide that they would, in the moment of greatest need, prefer to
be among those who demonstrate compassion and communicate spiritual
understanding.
SANDY BREWER
Broomiebrae
Castle Douglas DG7 1NP