From the Revd Charles Howard
RN
Sir, - Since Four Weddings and a Funeral, it seems
that members of the immediate family of the deceased feel obliged
to say something, or read a poem, at funerals.
I would never prevent anybody's doing
this if he or she were utterly determined on it, but it does seem
that we are missing the main aim of a funeral, which is to care for
the immediate family, and allow them to make an important step
along the way of grief.
It has always seemed back-to-front
that when you call to help and care for a grieving family, they
invariably start by caring for you with chairs and cups of tea.
Nevertheless, for them to control their emotions (not always
successfully - and who can blame them for that?) in order to care
for a whole churchful of people, by reading something, seems to
carry this concept too far. It brings the risk that the funeral
will not work for those whom it is most designed to help. It can be
an excruciating ordeal for all the others present.
It is often helpful if a friend of the
family can read a eulogy, as many mourners will only know one
aspect or period of the deceased's life. Perhaps the most helpful
compromise is for the family either to draft the eulogy, or at
least contribute material for it. At the service, however, let us
leave them free to grieve, and to be cared for by the funeral
liturgy.
The registers record that one of my
18th-century predecessors as Chaplain at the King's Chapel in
Gibraltar buried his wife, who had died of the plague, on a
Thursday, and took the usual three services the following Sunday. I
do not believe that either would be acceptable practice
today.
CHARLES W. W. HOWARD
The Vicarage, Church Lane
Funtington
Chichester PO18 9LH