THERE are currently 14 million grand­parents in the UK. That means one adult churchgoer in four in the UK has grandchildren, suggests Peter Brierley, a Christian con­sultant and researcher. So roughly 300,000 of them would be Anglicans.

But, Mr Brierley says, the grand­parents in the pews may be strug­gling. Last year, the Church Army and Mr Brierley co-ran a consul­tation day for grandparents at the Church Army’s Sheffield Centre. Claire Dalpra, a Church Army re­searcher, says: “Those that came con­firmed our suspicions that grand­parent­ing today is increasingly beset with all kinds of challenges.”

The stereotype of a grandparent as someone with time on his or her hands and money for treats is not true for many, says Sarah Wellard, policy and research manager at the charity Grandparents Plus. Half the grandparents in the UK are under the age of 65, and many are still work­­ing. “This is particularly true for low-income and working-class families, who tend to have children younger.”

Sixty-four per cent of families with working parents use grandpar­ents for child care — on average, 16 hours a week. “Grandparents have long been the ‘reserve army’, stepping in to cover illnesses and summer holi­­­days, even when working parents have formal childcare,” Ms Wellard says.

As the recession and public-sector cuts make childcare more necessary and less affordable, Steve Williams of the charity Care for the Family says that “Grandparents may be called upon to carry out many more front-line childcare hours than they had planned, or perhaps even desired.”

Ms Wellard says: “Working grand­parents often reduce their own hours to care for grandchildren and protect their families from poverty. This can mean risking hardship themselves.”

It is not only finances that are af­fected. “Maternal grandparents, in par­ticular, offer significant emo­tional and practical support where the parents’ relationship is under pres­sure. Redundancy and financial wor­ries only increase such situa­tions.”

Physical energy may be stretched. Margaret Rumsey, a grandmother of six, looks after two grandchildren after school, three days a week, and for longer in the school holidays. “Keeping them amused can be hard work. We’re in our 60s now, and get tired more easily.”

BALANCING obligations along­side personal needs can be a deli­cate matter. The issue prompted Janet Parker, who recently retired as adviser for spiritual care for older people in the Oxford dio­cese, to organise a diocesan Grandparents’ Day two years ago: “I was coming across grandparents torn between expectations and realities. Some felt their children expected a high level of childcare support at a time when they wanted to ease back on family duties. But there was also an expectation that they would not ‘interfere’.”

Demands can come from two direc­tions. As longevity increases, grand­parents may find themselves part of the “sandwich” generation: caring for elderly parents on one side, and dealing with a boisterous young brood on the other. And where the parents’ relationship has broken down, grandparents may feel a particular responsibility as guar­dians of family stability.

“The impact of divorce on chil­dren is high,” Mr Brierley says. “They feel that their world has been shat­tered. Grandparents can play a vital role in holding the young person’s world together, and helping them through questions like ‘Why did it happen?’ and ‘Was it my fault?’”

“People forget how much divorce and splits hurt grandparents,” says Gillian Turner-Smith, who attended the Church Army’s grandparenting day. “They may be un­sure who will recognise their role, and to whom they belong.”

Alongside this may come the challenge of becoming a step-grandparent, where a son’s or daugh­ter’s subsequent relationships bring new children into the equation, making grandparenting more diffuse and complex. A further consequence may be that grandparents lose con­tact with grandchildren altogether. They have no automatic legal right of access to a grandchild.

The Grandparents’ Association (GPA) supports grandparents facing such situations, and runs seminars for “non-contact” grandparents. “Apart from having lawyers on hand to give legal advice, we look at how grandparents can do meaningful things like create a memory box, or write cards for their grandchildren,” Annemarie Dowling, of the GPA, says. “Many hope that their grand­children will one day be willing and able to get back in touch.”

Prevention is better than cure. The charity Grandparents Apart UK, based in Glasgow, has welcomed the creation of a new mediation service for grandparents and families, funded by Relationships Scotland.

The charity’s telephone coun­selling has enabled many grand­parents to be accepted back into their grandchildren’s lives. Jimmy Deuchars, of Grandparents Apart, says: “Too many children are being denied the love and support of their extended family because of adult dis­agreements. Early intervention is es­sential to prevent molehills be­com­ing mountains. The trauma of going to court generally makes matters worse.”

At the other end of the spectrum are the estimated 200,000 UK grand­parents bringing up grandchildren full-time and on their own, possibly be­cause of the death of a parent, a relationship breakdown, or parental inability to provide the adequate care.

“These grandparents can be under great strain,” Ms Wellard says. “The grandchildren may have come from difficult situations: bereavement, drug abuse, or neglect. And grand­parents are not prepared for this re­sponsibility financially: three out of four of the 1000 grandparent carers in our support network are facing financial hardship, with very little state provision.”

CHANGES in society are a sig­nifi­cant concern for many grandparents. Courtney Wil­son, aged 83, a great-grandfather whose grandchildren range in age from eight to 33, finds it difficult. “Today’s children are not disciplined as we were. And the amount of time they spend on computers worries me. Children don’t go out and join clubs like we used to.”

Mr Brierley says that learning some­thing of their grandchildren’s world can help grandparents bridge the generation gap: “Young people’s culture today is a thousand times different from their grandparents’ world: from models of education and issues of morality to the per­vasiveness of technology.”

Mrs Rumsey has taken a pro-active approach: “Our granddaugh­ters’ school advertised a free com­puter course for parents. We said, ‘What about grandparents?’ and so we got to go along. Now we can use our computer with the grandchil­dren when they visit.”

Mrs Turner-Smith applauds the magic of Skype in keeping distant families in touch, but is mindful that not every grandparent can afford a computer.

CHRISTIAN grandparents who are concerned about passing on their faith are also facing a changed religious climate. “When I think back to my school days,” Mr Wilson says, “we had assemblies, hymns, and religious instruction. We were given a greater knowledge of Christianity.”

Gillian Hayles, who is involved in ministry to older people at Holy Trinity, Redhill, says: “Chris­tian grandparents have to be careful about sharing their faith; but we do have opportunities. We can share our ex­periences, tell Bible stories, and answer questions. Grandchildren pick up on things like saying grace if they’re staying with you.”

Mrs Parker feels that grandparents can have a strategic part to play in pas­sing on Christian faith: “They can be more able to respond to a young per­son asking difficult questions. Their wisdom and experience can open up a different way of being and under­standing to their grand­children.”

Christian grandparents whose chil­dren live closer may want to take grandchildren to church, but even if parents are willing, church now com­­petes with other Sunday activi­ties on offer. “We encourage the grand­children to come to church, but so often they have got other things on,” Mr Wilson says.

Mrs Rumsey and her husband pray for their grandchildren daily: “We also offer to pray with them if they have hurt themselves, and we pray over them when they are asleep if we are babysitting, or if the older girls are with us for a sleepover.”

Mr Brierley thinks it is important not to underestimate the long-term influence of these things: “Children can learn values from grandparents, even if their own parents do not espouse them. I know of a 14-year-old who continued with bedtime prayers on his own, with no parental input. What his grandparent had done had stuck.

“Some churches with small num­bers of predominantly elderly con­gre­gations have made a list of their grandchildren, and prayed for them on their birthdays. Praying for younger people has helped them see beyond older people’s issues. So when younger families did come into church, they were welcomed more warmly.”

Mrs Turner-Smith describes fa­cing a situation where one child’s family are practising Christians, but another child’s family are not: “You pray a lot, and God does not let go. When I visited my five-year-old grand­­son in London, I discovered that the family nanny is a Christian and prays with the children every night.”

Of Mrs Hayles’s seven young grand­children, only two attend church: “It breaks our hearts, but their parents are sympathetic to our faith. The grandsons have asked for a Bible for their birthdays. We do what we can.”

THIS autumn, the Church Army and Mr Brierley are running two day-conferences on grand­par­ent­ing in an effort to support grandparents. Ses­sions will focus on the joys, chal­lenges, and privileges of grandpar­ent­ing; youth culture, grand­parents, and the church; and how grand­parents can talk to their grandchil­dren on spiritual matters.

Mrs Turner-Smith says: “This could be a good opportunity for churches to reach out to other grand­­parents in the community.” Out­­reach could include a grand­parents’ equivalent to a Mothering Sun­­day service, or a grandparent-and-toddler drop-in for those who cannot afford to take their grand­children out.

Support groups run by the Grand­parents’ Association include drop-ins. “Grandparents caring for young children can become quite isolated. They may not have anything in common with the adults at parent-and-toddler groups. And there is the social impact of having young children running around at home, which may be uncomfortable for their own visitors,” Ms Dowling says.

AMID the challenges of estab­lishing good communication and setting wise boundaries, grandparenting is, for many, an en­riching experience.

Mrs Hayles says: “It’s a joy to do the things again that you have done with your own children, and help make faith relevant to their everyday lives. It’s important to create a bond with your grandchildren at an early age, because, as teenagers, it is harder to stay in contact.”

Mrs Parker was bowled over by the experience of becoming a grand­parent. “I was taken aback by the strength of my feelings of over­whelm­­ing love, alongside worry and concern.”

For Mrs Turner-Smith, becoming a grandparent “gives you a chance to be supportive of your children in a new way. It challenges you to work out what love means in practice. It may mean being there to babysit and be supportive, even if we do not agree with our children. It’s not all fun and cuddles. Sometimes, it means keeping quiet.”

Mrs Rumsey says that although being a grandparent has meant a great deal of running around, it is well worth the cost: “The grand­children will grow up and do their own thing, eventually. It is lovely to have an influence on their upbring­ing while we can, and to give them precious memories.”

Grandparents’ Day is 3 October. Church Army’s “Grandparents: Un­der­standing your grandchildren” takes place at Holy Trinity, Redhill, on 9 October, and at St Giles’s, Northamp­ton, on 6 November. The cost is £25. Phone Church Army on 0114 272 7451, or visit www.churcharmy.org.uk.

www.grandparents-association.org.uk

www.grandparentsplus.org.uk

www.careforthefamily.org.uk