| OF THE more disturbing pastoral conversations that I have had, one that shocked me was with parents who expressed profound disappointment in their two children. I knew one child well, and admired the other’s confidence and skill.
This memory has been stirred by recent conversations in which deep disappointment has been present, if not articulated. One woman expresses her regret at the decline of the Church; she is less concerned about numbers, and more about its intelligence. A priest-friend feels unsupported in his ministry in a tough part of suburban England. Another friend, a doctor, cannot bear being runner-up yet again in an interview for a senior post. A college friend copes with a third broken marriage.
A hard-working NHS manager cannot remember the last time someone thanked him for his work. A bishop, asked to manage the unmanageable — i.e., the clergy — fears for the financial health of the Church. A stranger is frustrated with almost every aspect of life, but does not know why. A neighbour copes with a diagnosis of cancer with all of the uncertainty and threats to her contentment. Many people in our congregations are renegotiating their relationship to both work and money in the present financial downturn.
FEELING disappointed is an inevitable part of our lot. The challenge and opportunity for growth is to understand the nature of our sense of disappointment, and explore how best we might deal with this potentially disabling emotion.
None of us likes to feel frustrated, but we expect things to happen in our own way, and there can be disappointment when we do not get a good outcome, even when what we have done is right.
But it is the effects of disappointment that we should be aware of in ourselves. Some bounce back and recover quickly; others mire in frustration and blame, and become depressed. If our disappointments remain unaddressed, they can have power over us, and over our attitudes.
It is a mark of humane pastoral leadership to be in touch with these darker parts of our lives. We need to be aware of how this powerful emotion can produce a lack of trust; we should be aware how easily relationships can be destroyed.
In my pastoral work, one of the disturbing things that I have experienced is people who have come to hate life because of disappointment. They build up a bad notion of the shape of life. They lack trust and hope.
WHAT are we to do as Christians about these experiences?
We should acknowledge the reality of disappointment and its power over us. The right question is not: “Why, Lord?” but, rather: “What now, Lord?” Seeking God’s answer to “What now?” helps us grow in faith. Our disappointments can be used and be worked through for our good.
In the face of trouble, our natural tendency is not to ask the right question. Our natural tendency is to complain. Unfortunately, griping to people at random rarely helps to solve our problems. On the other hand, disappointment is often too heavy a burden to bear: we all need to pour out our heart to someone.
What is needed is a shared commitment to listening — a pastoral desire to hear one another. In this pastoral encounter, we can be empowered to discern some value, meaning, and hope. We can find catalysts for mobilising energy and finding satisfaction.
HOW, then, do we keep hope alive?
First, we may have to adjust our expectations. Not every small church is a failing church. Not every applicant gets the job. Illness happens. Not every marriage soars. Success is transient. It might make sense not to set our goals so high.
Second, we should learn from our defeats. Disappointment and failure build character and patience, when allowed to do so. They can teach us to win and lose with grace — an increasingly lost art these days. And endurance develops strength of character.
Third, our churches are places of opportunity for building and deepening friendships. We need to learn to be both open and vulnerable with each other. Could we create places where disappointment is understood?
Fourth, as we reflect on our life’s journey, we can go deeper with God. Our vulnerability, our hurts, and our insecurities can enliven our faith and trust in God’s enduring love. Our focus is God’s hope for us. The here-and-now of our present situation is not the end of the story. “For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal” (2 Corinthians 4.16-18).
God’s plans are nearly always bigger than we think. God’s love is the well deep enough to draw from when we need peace, hope, and wisdom.
So, let us abandon perfectionism; for perfectionists live in their own imaginary world: they think that life is perfect, and that they should be perfect in turn. As we make time to live in the real world, let us be careful about being over-confident. Deliver us from leadership that talks things up!
Let us set realistic goals — something that can be really achieved — and let us delight in the many small things of living. Let disappointment be the nurse of wisdom.
The Revd Dr James Woodward is a Canon of Windsor.
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