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WE NEED to talk about the office party. No one seems to want one.
We have a generous £1500 allocated to our Christmas bash. Last year, we hired a room in a pub and some expensive karaoke gear. We had food laid on, and free drink at the bar. The men got drunk, the women were more careful, and I sang “Bohemian Rhapsody” for the karaoke, which was probably a mistake. You cannot appreciate Freddie Mercury’s vocal range until you attempt one of his songs.
The party was reckoned to be a failure, however. Why? Two years ago, there was lewd behaviour. One member of staff got very drunk, and displayed himself to everyone. The girls laughed at him way into the New Year.
The trouble last year, however, was that hardly anyone came. Everyone had said that they were coming, like a parish weekend away, but they didn’t show up on the night. Fewer than half the staff members attended. This proved damaging psychologically for those who were there. It created a sense that those absent were somehow somewhere more interesting; and that office parties were for those without a social life of their own. And I don’t think they were just looking at me.
Hence the difficulty this year in creating energy for the event, as a paralysing equation comes into play: everybody wants to go only if everybody else is going. But nobody wants to go if nobody else is going. And the trouble is that because no one quite believes that everybody is going, nobody is going. So we do need to talk about the office party. There’s £1500 wondering about its future.
When it comes to believing things that are not true, our belief in parties ranks high. Parties are amazing! They are the time when our mobiles are stolen; when people are so rude; when people are sick over us; when too much alcohol fuels tempers; when people storm out in hissy-fits, and the DJ is rubbish. Sometimes, the parties are so good that we don’t remember them.
But the alternative version is remembered by everyone. After dutiful preparation by the host, walled-up souls gather to pretend contact. As they hide behind glasses of wine, dishonesty is shared, and polite and witty information is exchanged. Towards the end, someone says that he or she doesn’t know why we don’t do this more often, and there is an awkward pause — because we all know very well.
God may create from nothing, but humans cannot. If the management chooses to run the shop on a divide-and-rule basis throughout the year, it cannot expect community and equality suddenly to break out at Christmas. Not even Bethlehem can save poor practice. All this means that we need to talk about the office party.
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