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Caption competition
 | The Vicar had often complained about rustling sounds during his sermon
Clare Daniele |
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THERE WERE several riffs on the breed of cow in the last caption competition picture, the best of which came from Martin Mills: “After the heating broke down during the annual pets’ service,the congregation were all Friesian.” We also liked: “With the Grid failure, St Margaret’s was Friesian” from Andrew Law. Talking of grids, we were struck by the absurdity of: “Unfortunately, the vicar had fitted the cattle grid the wrong way round,” from Dorothy Bowkett. In the that’s-enough-of-that category, there was: “The scripture moooveth us in sundry places” from Christine Worsley; “It was Low Sunday . . .” from Tim Lewis; and: “The members of Low Bentham MU had heard about papal bulls” from Stuart Baxter. In fact, it was all puns this week. Thus: “The Archdeacon was determined that the parish should be cowed into submission” (Richard Hough); “Daisy, Gerty and Ermintrude were so mooved by the sermon that they thought the Vicar deserved a pat on the head” (Charles Taylor); and “Open Air Songs of Praise opened with ‘Love Bovine’” (Peter Ball). Frank Parr seemed to be someone in the know, mentioning that the parish in question is currently appointing an incumbent and rural mission adviser. Consequently, he suggested: “The innovative and all-inclusive diocesan interview programme included an assessment of the candidates’ ability in rural mission with a meeting with local representatives of the farming community.” We enjoy self-referential items, such as this one from Angela Bain: “After seeing the picture in last week’s Church Times, Buttercup led the advance party in search of the free vegetables.” We also liked: “Following the Anglican-Hindu Agreed Statement . . .” (Ian Falconer); “Separating the sheep from the goats left the cows confused about which direction they should be going in” (Mary Sutton); “The church of Saint Margaret High Bentham annually hosted The Ordinands’ Fancy Dress Ball which inevitably attracted some ordinands inspired by the Cowley Fathers” (Nicholas Varnon); and “‘We will be using organic milk this week,’ the coffee ladies announced” (Ruth Varney). Liz Breuilly suggested: “Drastic measures had to be taken when the organist declared he would play from the old hymn book till the cows came home”; and there was an allusive version of this from Don Manley: “The bovine situation when the preacher has finished at last.” We’re not sure what Andrew Gore was alluding to, though: “Without his hearing aid, the rector was perplexed to be told his sermon reminded the churchwardens of the load of bullocks they had to move after the service.” Another mishearing from Nigel Corwin: “I was sure it said ‘The Dairy Office’.” And Christopher Miller sent: “The local farmer misunderstood when the Vicar of St Margaret’s said that he wanted to beef up the congregation.” And Adrian and Diana Copping submitted: “The treasurer denied milking the congegration to pay the quota and reminded the PCC how much the new members enjoyed their fresh expressions.” Among our favourites were: “The Cows 4 Justice picket was getting to be a nuisance” from Christopher Wilson; “It suddenly dawned on the Vicar that progress at St Margaret’s was being obstructed by certain sacred cows” (Derek Hollis); “The decision to admit children to communion had necessitated a need to find an alternative to communion wine” from Alison Leigh; and: “The reason why the church was empty was right there, in black and white” from Alison Rollin. There was one winner this week, who will receive a generous supply of fairtrade chocolate, kindly donated by Divine (www.divinechocolate.com). |
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Have a go at our next caption-competition picture (above).
Send your captions by 14 March by email to: captioncompetition@churchtimes.co.uk
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